Pink Visual Offer’s Conan Employment

Dear Conan,
I caught your monologue the other about your dilemma concerning the pending shake-up of NBC’s late night programming, and the suggestion that you might “leave television altogether, and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.” I just wanted to let you know that Pink Visual would be elated to have a personable, motivated self-starter such as yourself join our team of merry pornsters.

As our first male “contract star,” you could help us to finally satisfy the as yet unrequited demand for tall, lean, pale, male ‘gingers’ on the part of our fans. I can’t tell you how many emails we receive asking us things like “do you have any videos featuring guys that have a David Caruso kind of thing going on? That would be HOT!”

We couldn’t agree more with our fans, and we think you’re just the man for the job. Just think of the titles we could create together, like “Conan the Boobarian,” “Loco for Coco,” or (if you swing that way, or are open to being “gay for pay”) a gay line entitled “Pound Me, I’m Irish.”

If serving as male “talent” is not what you had in mind, don’t let that stop you from pursuing a career in the lucrative (and lubricated) world of hard core porn. There are plenty of off-screen opportunities for a talented fellow like you. You could return to your roots as a behind the scenes writer and bring some much needed wit to the world of porn dialogue, or simply add to the list of products you endorse by becoming the “celebrity pitch man” for our hit series MILF Seeker. The possibilities are endless!

I’m sorry that your current employer doesn’t appreciate the value you add to their company, or the years of loyal service you have provided since joining NBC’s late night lineup. I can assure you that if you accept our offer to join the proud, porno-loving team here at Pink Visual, we will never abuse you – unless you are in to that sort of thing, in which case I have some much more interesting ideas for that first porn title you star in….

Yours truly,