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BY Kit EatonMon Feb 22, 2010

iPad Porn

Apple can posture and ban sexy iPhone apps and Suicide Girls all it wants. Come March, porn will help the iPad rock. Here’s why.

Like it or love it, there’s no denying the power of Internet porn. If you’re a worker in the TV, video, or computer industry, it’s one of the key drivers behind some of the tech you use on a daily basis. Remember the famous tape format battle between VHS and Betamax (the technically superior system)? VHS’s convenience for porn producers’ partly resulted in it becoming the dominant video system. Widespread adoption by the porn industry also helped Blu-ray’s success over HD-DVD.

Its laser-like focus on cash has given porn an edge in technology development history. And it’s a business that’s always looking for new and novel ways to deliver its product through systems that appeal to its consumers–the one who gets there quickest gets the biggest share of the booty. Pornographic Web sites test drove online payment systems as ways to make quick bucks while everyone else bit their nails and waited years for PayPal. Broadband crushed slow dial-up in part due to users’ hunger for speedy, sexy data…porn. Going back further, porn was thriving at the dawn of cable TV and photography itself. One of the first popular uses of the printing press was to publish pornographic writing and imagery.

Today it’s a multi-billion dollar industry powered by the human psyche and high technology. It’s hard to put a finger on it precisely, but the U.S. porn industry alone is probably worth a long way north of $10 billion per year. Remember the famous adage: “If all the porn was clensed from the Internet, then there’s just be a single Web site in the world. It would say–’bring back all the porn!’” Porn has always been with us, and probably always will in one form or another.

Even on Apple’s iPad.

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To much skin for Cupertino

The brief and to the point form email went out the evening of the 18th, after most US businesses had closed, and stated simply that:

The App Store continues to evolve, and as such, we are constantly refining
our guidelines. Your application, INSERT NAME HERE, contains content that we had
originally believed to be suitable for distribution. However, we have recently received
numerous complaints from our customers about this type of content, and have changed
our guidelines appropriately.

We have decided to remove any overtly sexual content from the App Store, which
includes your application.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter. If you believe you can make the
necessary changes so that INSERT NAME HERE complies with our recent changes, we
encourage you to do so and resubmit for review.

Sincerely,
iPhone App Review

Most of the victims will remain silent. SuicideGirls.com, Sunny Leone, Aria Giovanni, Cutest Girls, Cyberage.com… all successful apps that survived the approval process only to be removed arbitrarily. These are small brands, unimportant in the grand scheme of things. There are no strategic partnerships to be had, no branding opportunities, no software, movie or music rights for Apple to use at a later point.

Not everyone is upset though, Playboy still has their application in the store, as does Sports Illustrated. Big names, big brands and suddenly Apple’s scruples don’t seem to get in the way. Scruples, that are noticeably out of place from a company that sells R rated movies, songs with explicit lyrics and violent and sexual video games.

This is OK, because its got bunny ears

Apple has always been outstanding at brand control. Their products are uniform, their name pristine and clear in the consumers mind. This has been accomplished by strict quality control, consistent messages and careful marketing, but it is our belief that what was good business practice has become a Religion. Don’t get us wrong, we love our iphones and ipods, but not so much that we willing to let Steve Jobs and the turtlenecked clones at Cupertino tell us what we can and can’t do with our own mobiles. Mobile porn not only exists, its prolific and desired and there is nothing Apple can do to stop people from watching on their precious devices.

So what happens now? Android is looking pretty good, as is blackberry, palm pre and any other mobile platform not protected by zealots and hypocrites.

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We here at Pink Visual would like to salute Tiger for finally including a brunette in his bevy of blondes, but we wonder how many other industry starlets are cluttering his blackberry.  Surely some of the PV lovelies have done the down and dirty with golf’s greatest…

Honestly, we don’t know whether to high five Tiger or ask him to please leave the porn stars alone.

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VAN NUYS, CA – The race for market share in the impending iPad porn market just got a lot hotter, as one of the leading providers of iPhone porn has thrown its pink, fuzzy pimp crown into the ring.

Pink Visual, among the first adult entertainment studios to build sites optimized for the iPhone and a market leader in mobile porn distribution, announced today that it has already developed “core functionality” for www.PinkVisualPad.com, a new site optimized for the iPhone’s bigger, beefier cousin, the iPad.

“Several adult companies have come out and said that they are ready for the iPad, but we’re going the extra mile and showing people that we’re ready,” said Pink Visual’s Brand and Product Manager Kim Kysar. “What’s on the site currently is merely a preview of the great iPad porn to come, but we think people will be duly impressed.”

Kysar said that the company has taken measures to gets its hands on a “developmental copy” of the iPad, so it can begin testing in advance of the iPad’s official launch in March — an effort that includes an attempt to acquire an advance copy from one of the few confirmed pre-release owners.

“We sent a letter to Stephen Colbert proposing a trade: unfettered access to our entire library of porn in exchange for his iPad,” Kysar said. “I don’t know if he’ll go for it, or if he even likes porn, but we weren’t sure what else we could offer; I don’t think he needs a job.”

Kysar said that while there has been much criticism of the iPad since its launch, and many people have expressed disappointment with the fact that it seems so similar to some of Apple’s existing devices, her company is confident that once it is available to buy, there will be plenty of early adopters.

“There’s a lot of brand loyalty around the Apple devices, going back to the early days of the iPod,” Kysar said. “Whatever people might be saying right now, there will be lines of people waiting when this thing hits the shelves.”

Enjoy your porn Blackberry owners!

Pink Visual Mobile team

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Having said that, there are things that ought to be “common sense” appear to elude some of my fellow citizens, and an as such, occasionally a new law aimed at porn will be something I support, or even call for.

I never thought I’d feel the need to write this, but a law similar to the one recently proposed in Massachusetts that would forbid texting while behind the wheel needs to be passed to make it clear, once and for all, that you cannot watch porn while driving… particularly while driving a massive tractor-trailer.

OK, so the trucker at question was using allegedly a laptop to view porn, and not a Palm Pre, but you get my point: driving is serious business, and it demands your complete and undivided attention. And no, glancing up from your Blackberry’s screen occasionally while watching Bree Olsen suck cock as you hurtle down the interstate does NOT make the grade.

The next time you are tempted to watch porn while driving, please find that reserve of patience and prudence that exists deep inside you…. and figure out a way to wait until you are stationary before whipping it out of your pants for a tug.

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