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Remembrance of Porn Past

When I was a student at UNC-Chapel Hill, chasing girls, smoking illicit natural substances, and wondering how many years I could string out my undergraduate experience before I ran into the inevitable brick wall of graduation and adult responsibilities, I spent some time perusing magazines of substance such as Playboy and Penthouse. I actually did read the articles — both regularly published interesting political and social material, though I thought Playboy‘s taste in fiction was a bit too insular and exclusionary for my non-Upper East Side taste — but I did spend a substantial amount of time looking over the pictures. Those ladies were pretty.

It’s probably worth noting that my roommate, who actually had the Playboy subscription, forbid us to read the magazine, or even to open it, until we had successfully “found the bunny.” That exotic little chore involved sitting and staring at the cover for a length of time anywhere from a few moments to the better part of the afternoon, until we had found the small bunny logo hidden somewhere on the cover. Sometimes it was hidden in some nice lady’s bosom, sometimes on a G-string, sometimes in a more original location. As I remember, the most difficult one to find was in a cover shot of a lovely brunette dressed as a cop, although no cop I’ve ever seen displayed as splendid a chest as this one. Hefner and his merry band of photography gnomes had placed a tiny white bunny on the tip of her police whistle. Took us all day and a good part of the night to find it; at one point there were at least six of us, guys and girls alike, crouched over the magazine with our noses an inch from the cover, scanning every millimeter for that damn bunny. We found it, and another month of wonder and airbrushed skin was ours for the taking.

Porn Stormed

For a brief moment, our beloved former Speaker of the House, Newt Gingrich, had a similar opportunity open to him. He could embrace the porn as his own; it was all laid out before him like a Beverly Hills ingenue who’d downed too much Chardonnay. Unfortunately, when news of Newt’s golden opportunity became public, instead of standing up like the red-blooded, clandestinely porn-swilling Americans who voted for him, he ran squealing off into the night, braying about “family values” and “inadvertent,” happenstance errors of the cosmos, like Jimmy Swaggart when his rowdy cousin Jerry Lee Lewis tried to get him to peek at naked women in the hoochie koochie tent. Undoubtedly, liberals were involved in Newt’s discomfiture.

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So remember, turn off those sites and spend some healthy time watching porn. It may be your own life you’re saving.

Urban Dictionary defines Fap as “The onomatopoeic representation of masturbation. Often used to suggest that something is attractive.”

used in a sentence:
Did you see those Natalie Portman pics? *fap fap fap*

Now that iPinkvisualpass is taking over the mobile porn landscape, I would like to pose to you this question, where do you Fap now that porn has gone ultra mobile? I’m not going to pretend that anybody is going to answer this question so I figure i’ll just answer my question with some hilarious bulleted responses below.
(arranged by most obvious location.)

The Bathroom: You have a varying degree of your genitals out of your pants when you’re in this room already so the bathroom takes the top spot.

Parents Room: Sure they raised you but don’t forget about that time they caught you fap’n it in your room to that post card of your hot 19 year old cousin. Remember? she was studying abroad in Chile for the summer and as your parents came into your room they screamed and pointed at your sad dick…making you feel like a pervert. Now it’s time for payback.

Public Transportation: Truly the hardest Fap location to pull off but as with anything worth doing, great risk comes with great reward. Once you have your mobile device of choice and you’ve loaded up your favorite site (ipinkvisualpass.com), find the closest poor person and sit in the opposite row from them. Cough loudly (this is very important) and stare at the man/woman across from you intently- if he or she looks at you smile widely and start fap’n. If your mobile device is equipped to do so, play some classical music (preferably something with lots of harp).

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AFP) — Adult entertainment powerhouse Pink Visual saw visits to its mobile video service soar after Christmas as people turned on new iPhones and tapped into porn.

Sex video makers and distributors are evolving with the technology times, catering to customers seeking satisfaction on smart phones, Blu-ray players, and Internet television.

Digital Playground, which is credited with producing the first high-definition adult film five years ago, has a website devoted exclusively to Apple’s hot iPhones and offers free trailer “podcasts” for iPods.

“The way people get their porn is changing,” Pink distribution operations manager Kim Kysar said as an annual Adult Entertainment Expo wrapped in Las Vegas on Sunday.

“It is going to be more personal and you get it anywhere you are: on the road, in the bathroom at work taking a break. Nobody is going to be the wiser.”

The number of visitors to Pink websites customized for mobile devices has rocketed for the past six months and forty percent of the visitors become subscription-paying members.

“We saw a peak after Christmas when everybody got new video phones,” Kysar said. “One of the first things people do after activating their iPhones is Google ‘iPhone porn’ and here they are.”

Pink began as an Internet-based business so its videos are already broken into short clips for quick downloading.

“You can basically jump to the part you want to see,” Kysar said of presenting video in YouTube-style short-form.

“If you jump to the last clip you get the climax scene. If you start at the beginning it is more soft-core. We’ve just done new encoding for new phones to make sure it looks good.”

Adult Entertainment giant Vivid Entertainment thrust itself into the “mobile space” early, particularly in Europe where such content can be offered along with other telecom services, said chief executive Steve Hirsch.

Restrictions in the US limit smart phone users to reaching online porn by using Internet browsers.

“Revenue continues to increase with the roll-out of 3G,” Hirsch said, referring to a new-generation high-speed broadband network for mobile Internet service.

“The more phones that have video capability, the better it gets for us.”

Revenues from DVD sales, once the bulk of Vivid’s income, sank to 30 percent in 2008 while online subscriptions, Internet video-on-demand (VOD), and cable offerings became rising stars.

Digital delivery has yet to replace the money lost by decreasing DVD sales and brings with it piracy problems, according to Hirsch.

“These are issues mainstream Hollywood is dealing with as well,” Hirsch said. “With new technology comes new issues, but ultimately people want to watch adult movies.”

Vivid shoots all its films in high-definition and is beefing up its library of titles in Blu-ray, adoption of which has boomed since being declared winner of a format war with HD DVD a year ago.

“We are interested in 3D for sure,” Hirsch said, cautioning that distributing special eyeglasses needed for such viewing is a challenge.

“Certainly when you get Internet-enabled TVs it would make sense to go out and get those glasses distributed.”

High-resolution flat-panel televisions designed to link directly to Internet services were among an array of snazzy innovations unveiled at the international Consumer Electronics Show that ended in Las Vegas on Sunday.

“Obviously, the Internet is where it’s at,” Hirsch said. “We need to look to new technology and the future, as does Hollywood.”

While it may be slow in coming, the death of the neighborhood sex video shop appears inevitable, according to industry insiders.

“Mobile and paid downloads is the way people are getting it,” Kysar said of porn. “They don’t want to have to return a rental or stash a DVD and worry about kids or relatives seeing their little smut collection.”

“How great would it be to have a porn Internet cafe?” she asked, dreamily peering into adult entertainment’s future.

“Where it is private with cubicles _ guys come in, log-on and hopefully don’t make a mess.”

Copyright © 2009 AFP. All rights reserved. More »

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iPinkVisualPass videos can be streamed via mobile, or full length scenes can be downloaded onto a computer and viewed via iTunes. This provides members the freedom to stream new content over the phone and also access HD content previously stored on their phone when they are outside their coverage area.

“Porn and technology have historically gone hand in hand, and now to have top-notch porn at your fingertips anywhere you go is simply fantastic. You don’t have to worry about erasing your history, clearing your cache, or worry about anyone tracking your surfing habits on your phone. Porn is finally portable, private, and easily available, anytime, anyplace!” said Kim Kysar, Product Manager for Pink Visual.